Super secret sparkle princess princess livejournal!

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 14:39:12 GMT

Day 8

Last night I went with the Durham gang to see fireworks :D Sadly, I could not see the fireworks, but they sounded awesome ^^

We then went to Mary's bar to have a few drinks. It was a good night. I knew it was going to be a good night from the moment I got there because I was hyper and bouncy even before I had a drink.

A fantastic time was had, many drinks (oh god student cocktails...) including a supercharged shandy - Smirnoff Ice, an extra shot of vodka, topped up to a pint with Fosters lager! sounds gross, doesn't taste much better, I can assure you.

Later we tromped from Mary's to the club we always end up in because everywhere else shuts at midnight. Sadly, most people were rubbish and went home at this point :D We stayed and had a drink, but by that time I was losing feeling in my face and we decided to head home.

This morning was officially cancelled due to bad head, and I've not been to weapons practise because my feet are still very sore and covered in blisters from last Thursday/aggravated by adventure yesterday.

Jem and Andy are coming round in a bit and we're going to actually play Rogue Trader! Woooo!!!

Really looking forward to it :D I'll let you know how it goes.

Startling revelation for the day:
In high heels, even scrubbing the bath is glamorous.

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 16:38:56 GMT

Day 7

Today we had an adventure!
It was awesome!

I monstered and variously got to play a beat-up peasant, a cynical healer, a dog (with keys!), a beat up peasant again, a soldier and a toff (who got totally blown up).

Our adventure might have been influenced by the date :D

Now, rather tired and warm-faced from a day outside in the cold winds.

Later, off out again for fireworks :D

Today has been a better day, feeling much calmer today.

Startling revelation:
It only takes one enthusiastic person to make an adventure fun for everyone.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:05:44 GMT

Day6

Despite being tired as all hell last night I failed to sleep well. Stress and anxiety about various things kept me awake and when I did sleep I had horrible dreams which woke me up leading back to not being able to sleep. Fail.

Getting really anxious now about finding a job, it's been going on for a while now and I hate having nothing to do and no money. Truth be told I'm not eating properly because stress is giving me bad indigestion, I'm not sleeping well and my concentration is about zero due to constantly being jittery. I can medicate with alcohol, fags and friends (seriously, being in a social situaton or just talking to people online calms me right down) but it's only temporary fixes.

I need to sort my life out, I'm just not sure what I'm doing wrong!

Maybe I just need to keep slogging on applying for jobs, but every week that passes I get more scared that I'm not going to find anything because I don't have relevant experience. I hope the job market picks up soon :S

So all in all, today is a bad day. Hands shaking, I'm hot then cold, chest pain followed by sick-feeling, head swimming a bit. Oh god I feel like I'm dying.

Last night I caught myself halfway through making a plan for how to kill myself and make sure my parents didn't find out what a useless person I am. I stopped as soon as I realised what I was thinking (My brain whirls too fast for me to keep track sometimes) I also thought about self-harm yesterday for the first time in a few years. It's the sense of unreality that brings it out I think. Either insomnia leading to me slowing down too much, or stress leading to my brain working too fast - I'm out of tempo with the world, need something to anchor me. Pain anchors me. Oh god, no, it doesn't really help, it's just a gateway onto the next plane of unreality. once you start cutting and stuff you've pulled a barrier down between yourself and the rest of the world. It's fragile, like cling-film and you can interact with the other side, but you're not there. You're stuck in here. Alone.

I'm just having a bad day. One bad day, maybe two. It was after midnight when it all started, so it is only one bad day.

Brain going too fast, thoughts gone before I can make sense of them, can't type fast enough to convey the thoughts I can interpret. It's like catching all the grains of sand in a sandstorm.

Will feel better later, I hope.

Need to act out somehow, express how my mind is falling apart through some physical action. Maybe I'll go run into the middle of nowhere and scream, maybe go kick the sea until I'm soaking and cold.

Oh god I can't just sit here and calmly apply for job I want to cry.

--------------------------------

Edit for sanity: After going to visit a crazy monument and the social wonders of Dre and Ias I feel more human. Now I shall put in my revelation.

Startling revelation for the day:

Who let the dogs out?
The Police. On the fucking motorway. That's who.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:33:27 GMT

Day 5

Wooo! Bonfire night!!!

The lovely wol had a bonfire party at her house tonight - there was cake and fireworks!

I got to do my bit as fire safety person, and light most of the fireworks and pretend towards some semblence of "health and safety". lol, it was a lie, we had no safety or health!

Things are good, apart from sudden onset of crashing horribly with tiredness - had a week's worth of late nights and early mornings so I'm probably due a few days off!

Everyone is mocking me for texting a guy. I feel I should mention this because it happened, but I am not going to say anything more. I shall simply punch you in the arm and run off giggling. Because I can. Hehehehehehehehehehe.

Ahem.

Blah, I'd think of more but I'm crashing hard.

Startling revelation for the day:
Even a social whore like me needs time alone occasionally.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:01:53 GMT

Day...whatever, I forget. The 4th.

I was up rather later than intended last night, hurrah for msn :P

Today the day started by being ANGRY on livejournal about things that really don't matter. I should try not to care so much about stupid drama.

Later Freya and I went round to Ias' house and we took my b0rked computer to fiddle and see if we could get my hard drive to partition and install ubuntu properly. Long story short, it was totally b0rked and the file structure is fucked. Luckily, Ias had a random hard drive lying about so we stuck that in and hey presto! Working computer! Ias and I are computer-heroes. We in no way dropped a bunch of screws a whole load of times, blinded ourselves by turning torches on while looking directly at them nor were we too lazy to find a screw-driver and made do with a pen-knife and my nails. No sir. No way.

Now I just have to work out how to get it to dual-boot so I can has windows for gaming! :D My computer-knowledge skill is going up, I can has training time.

Also, we've worked out what we're going to play if we ever do Serenity.

Travelling spares-and-repairs in the style of orks.
"you got that in the wrong port mate!"
"S'ok, it's only one off, it's close enough...."

"Ooooh, not enough wires mate, it'll never work!"

That sort of thing.

Now I'm home and tired as all hell, should away to bed soon enough.

Startling revelation for the day:
You can now buy "back to the nineties" compilations. I have one. It's awesome.

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 13:30:12 GMT

Day three

This morning was less cold - mostly because I didn't get out of bed till I wanted to. I wonder if adults can get away with the trick of pulling your clothes under your duvet for ten minutes so they're warm when you put the on? I shall experiment.

Stole Freya's laptop and uploaded photos from the Pirate bar crawl (Feel free to tag them - I did not have the time) and the photos from Halloween, which were significantly less, so I had time to tag and caption them :D

Had lazy Tesco sushi for lunch and have chinese buns for supper (both savoury and sweet!) which I got in Newcastle yesterday.

Am now drinking hot chocolate, which sadly is making my throat and chest twinge a little. I'm going to have to seriously think about doing something like going to the doctors. It's been two weeks now of near-constant chest and throat pain when I eat anyhting that isn't either really bland or sushi, or drink anything that isn't water or sugar-free stuff, although generous applications of alcohol seem to help! I think TBH it's probably stress at being unemployed rather than anyhting real, it was nearly completely absent while I was in the stress-free environment of StHelen's.

Zoe made a fine point yesterday - startling revelations can be about almost anyhting really, so I shoud be able to manage a month of them.

Right, shower time then off to B&Q with Wol and Ias and later the Science Site with Freya :D

Startling revelation:
People often smell better than they think they do, or else don't smell as bad as they think they do.
(This fact totally unconnected to anything)

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:56:51 GMT

So.
Some people are doing this thing where they update thier blog every day in November.
I totally missed day one, so have failed already - but that's never stopped me doing things in the past.

So....my day....

Wel'p, it started earlier than I'd have liked when my alarm woke me up. The cold creep of an early morning reminded me why central heating is awesome and I should get some.
I went to a meeting and then took the long way home in the car and god fuck, was the day beautiful at that point. The sun was shining, it was warm and I was speeding along; fag in one hand, steering wheel in the other, enjoying the radio. It's these little snatches of joy - the half hour of sun, the warm feeling of waking up under blankets - that keep me going through winter. I fucking hate winter, there is nothing good about it being dark and cold all the time. Winter makes me ill.

On a more positive-positive note (rather than a positive-negative as above) I had a wonderful Halloween this year. Went down to StHelen's to see the lovely Laura and Coops, to partake in some table top and "whatever I can find in my bag" costuming for Halloween. Got to meet the lovely Dave and Emily, and their adorable daughter (She's cute and blonde, so I can forgive her the waking me up crying!) Also got to see Alex, who was up from the wilds for some much-needed human contact (huur). Was good to chat on ^.^ Have had smile on face ever since ^.^

Startling revelation for today (and yesterday, since I failed)
1)I get Seasonal Affective Disorder.
2)I'm actually human under the armour.

(God, by day 28 I'm gonna be running low on startling revelations....)

Medicinal drink

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:03:38 GMT

I am having a medicinal pint.

It will calm me and ready me for social.

It is only 3 months out of date.

(It has no bits in it, unlike the year-out-of-date pint I poured before it.)

The question is, is the current rush of calm a result of beer froth or neurotoxins from the mouldy pint...?

Ias says: "P.S. Goo."

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:53:56 GMT

Firstly, I'd just like to say how nice it is to have an "up" key again. Mine broke so using the up key on my dad's keyboard is a novelty!

Secondly, hm. I have itchy feet again. I'm kinda restless, not in a wanting to move way, but in that I feel I've got boring again.

I caught a glance in the mirror the other day - gray top, gray trousers, gray trainers and brown hair. OH MY GOD - BORING!!

Thing is, I'm not entirely sure what I want to do about it. My task for the year was to stop biting my nails - I've managed it. Now... not sure what to do next.

I'm sort of casting about for something to be enthused about again, and all I seem to hit on is things I used to be into and think "Eh..." about now. I think a few nights out will do wonders for me, but some style advice would be great.

Anyone have any advice on style?

heh.

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 00:22:48 GMT

Hello! Just a short random piece of fic I wrote to get back into DUTT. This is Antonia, my current character. I was just trying to work out where her head is at for the start of the new term.

I think it reads ok even if you know nothing about the TT system/stateof play, but if anyone wants anyhting explaining, so ask!

Antonia paused, checking carefully the document she has just constructed before adding her signature to the bottom. she placed the quill down, reaching over for a stick of sealing wax and the seal of her office – Seneshal of Durholme.

Durholme – the city that had ruined her family; Duncan dead, Seb dead... Justin gone insane. the only real light was Isabel, stripped of her powers, but happy with her love Thomas. Antonia sighed, letting the wax crackle slightly in the flame of a candle before daubing it into the bottom of the document.

“You know, I hate this city. I hate you, too.” She stamped the seal down, and turned her eyes to the object of her speech. The crown was sitting as usual on it's little velvet cushion. For a moment she fixed it with a glare, her eyes narrowing. The crown shimmered slightly, the air coppery with the tang of it's power.

“No, I lie. You know I lie.” She smiled, carefully placing the seal and the wax back on the desk. “This city ruined us, but I cannot bear to leave it, not yet. I have to build something here, you know, something good out of all this loss. I couldn't leave this place as it is – a ruin – it's too much like giving up on the dream my... the dream Isabel had. A new beginning it was meant to be, to make something beautiful to call our own.”

The crown crackled slightly, the air flashing with a slight tinge of blue. Antonia rolled her eyes, picking up the crown and placing it on her head.

“Oh good, I thought I was going to have to listen to you talk such rubbish all night. Again.”
The voice is eerie, almost sexless, but Antonia has always been able to hear the rasp of masculinity in it. The crown is, after all, the creation of a male magician.

“Oh pipe down, you are so cynical for an all-powerful magical crown.”

“Ha ha. Where's my tiara?”

“You ask that every damn time I put you on. It's getting made! I keep telling you this.”

“Make it faster. I want something pretty to look at.”

“Look, if you'd let me get to the point I was trying to make about this damn city...”

“I know, I know... even though everything went wrong... la la la... fix city anyway, make pretty, powerful city, help people, you can't help yourself even though your supposed god of goodness turned out to be an evil bastard you're still good... can I go to sleep now?”

“Oh stop it. I know you don't care. I do, however. And anyway, I was thinking about something... “

“Oh please, do tell. I can't wait to hear it.”

“You're not evil. And do you know why I figure that? Simple, because St. John is not good.”

“Oh very... what?”

“Yes. If the God of goodness can prove to be power-mad and cruel... then surely he is not all good. If he is not all good, then surely we must question if moral absolutes exist. Can anything be all good? Can anything be all bad? If St.John is not truly good, can anything be truly evil?”

“And it took your god spirit-wracking you for doing the right thing to help you work this out? By the six, you are stupid.”

“Shut up. The point is, if moral absolutes do not exist, then everything is a shade of...gray. And you, my dear crown, are a good example of what it is to be a shade of...gray.”

Antonia smiles, reaching to pat the crown, her fingers tingling slightly as she feels the power intertwined in the metal of the crown.

“Oh very droll, I am sure. What better to exemplify what it is to be a shade of gray than an object made form the very elemental dust of this world. The gray magic itself. Ha fucking ha.”

“You are not half as evil as you'd like me to think. You're just bored. But do not worry, you and I are going to be very busy soon. We have a city to build, and all the magic we can muster to do it with.”

“...as soon as I get my tiara, I'll help you out.”

“Yes. As soon as you get your tiara, we can build a magical city.”

Antonia shakes her head, lifting the crown off and placing it on it's cushion once again.

“Now, that magical sword we were going to make...”

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:30:51 GMT

Today has been a good day so far. I went and had a row with god. His take on me: "Troubled, but not distressed" which seems a fair assessment of my general state of being. I think we decided to call it a stalemate.

I was smiling.

Bandwagon.

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:33:11 GMT

Bored you say? Bandwagon you say?
I'll have me some of that!

1.)First: something simple. How old are you?

Yes, that's pretty simple - I'm 18. Nearly 19, mind.

2.)Who is your family?

Well, most of them are dead. I have Amilie, and little Wolfgang, and Ichabod, Konstantin and Inge are like family to me.

3.)What do you think is special about yourself?

Ha!

4.) Another simple one. Are you a virgin?

Gosh, how rude! By which I mean yes.

5.)What do you do to pass the time?

Fix things - help with the Nation, do my god's work... I rarely have to pass the time, it generally flys on by while I desperately try to claw a few minutes spare!

6.)Have you killed anyone?

Goodness, no. Although I'm sure some Freiboden somewhere will tell you about how I'm responsible for thousands of deaths.

7.)What roleplays can people see you in?

Maelstrom.

8.)If you could do anything, what would it be?

Secure the safety and future of my Nation.

9.)Do you love anyone?

Depends what you mean by love? I love my god and my family, I love my nation...

10.)What do you do to relax?

Join the army! Drink with friends, go to tea-houses and the Jade Lotus. Wander off into the wild and do my god's work quietly for a while.

11.)What's one of your distinctive mannerisms?

I don't know... It's not very lady-like to have distinctive, strange mannerisms I think.

Update

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 03:06:16 GMT

Time: 3:55

Can't sleep, washing machine is on and loud.

So far this week has been made of equal parts awesome and suck:

Both my computers are basically broken and useless - suck
My favourite Tabletop game might stop running - suck
Still unemployed and not heard back form anywhere - suck
Seem to be coming down with a virus - suck

Lots of people helped with trying to fix my computer problems - awesome!
Have been round to Wolhaus for hilarity - Awesome!
MOONTOAD - Awesome!
Maelstrom soon - Awesome!

My online-ability might be intermittent due to currently running a live version of ubuntu from the CD as nothing will install on my hard drive and I don't know how long this set up will continue to function.

Will be at Maelstrom on Thursday for fun and drinkage - hope to see people there!

Also, aside from the post-it note list full of letters I need to re-write after computerfail, any fic ideas anyone? Keeps my mind off my financial crisis and lack of a job somewhat.

Very Tired, but can't sleep due to mixture of noisy everything and achey everything.
May attempt sleep then tomorrow attempt bath followd by sewing and costume dramas. This sounds like a good plan.

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:08:51 GMT

a-hahahahaha, I steal meme!

Stolen from Wol and Ias and various other people :D

Antonia, my DUTT character:

T1. Who are you?
Antonia Constantine, Seneshal of Durholme, former priestess of St. John.

2. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
No, but I have a lot of cousins....

3. How old are you?
Nineteen, nearly twenty.

4. What's your height?
Five feet five inches, I was a sickly child.

5. Are you a virgin?
Is it any of your business? Yes, if you must know. Sickly child, sickly adult... then there was the scales incident. It's all a bit complicated.

6. Who's your mate/spouse?
I don't have one yet.

7. Do you have any kids?
No, sadly. Again I've been too sick or too busy since I got a bit better. One day...

8. What's your favourite food?
Stew, with meat in it. I had a simple upbringing in the church.

9. Have you killed anyone?
Yes, several. Those who would not convert were killed. It was a good act.

10. Have any secrets?
Of course. Nothing serious though - it seems my heroic deeds are well known, so I hang on to my personal secrets because there's nothing else.

11. Do you love anyone?
I care for many people, I'm not sure I love anyone.

12. What is your job?
I run the city, the Geomancer's guild, the citiy's finances... oh, and in my spare time do my god's work and save the world.

13. Boy or girl?
Lady.

14. What do you do to relax?
I drink in the Greedy Goblin... although it never seems very relaxing. I might try the Red Warlock one of these days.

15. There's a person who's teasing you; what could you do?
Ignore them, and then probably look the other way when someone took them outside for a beating.

16. Let’s say you have a person who you really care about but she/he doesn’t know about your feelings. How do you tell her/him?
I'd tell them, unless it would do more harm than good.

17. What do you regret most in life?
You really want to know? Well, wasting my time and health on a god who was a bastard to me. But it's all done with now.

18. Do you like your maker?
What? St. John? The god of healing who made me sick? The God of aiding the worthy who tortured me? The god of doing good works who spirit-wracked me for stabilising the pantheons of gods? Right now I don't like him much at all.

19. Do you dream?
I dream of climbing mountains and fording strong rivers, I dream of running and not choking on my own sickly lungs, I dream of not being trapped in a body that is tired and old before its time.

20. What's your favourite colour?
Green.

And Gaelle, because she asked nicely...

1. Who are you?
Let's just go with Gaelle, shall we?

2. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
I had two younger brothers, but they were both killed.

3. How old are you?
Nineteen.

4. What's your height?
Five feet five inches.

5. Are you a virgin?
The last man who asked me that was never seen again... luckily for you my dear cousin isn't around at the moment... So I can say yes, I am.

6. Who's your mate/spouse?
I don't have one yet, I'm workign on it!

7. Do you have any kids?
Not had any time... Although I help look after Inge and Konstantin, who are lovely and brave little things who lost their mother.

8. What's your favourite food?
Anything from the Jade Lotus - Kamakuran is amazing!

9. Have you killed anyone?
Now really, that's not a very nice question. Of course not.

10. Have any secrets?
Don't all ladies?.

11. Do you love anyone?
I... don't know.

12. What is your job?
I help the Golden Nation with diplomacy, I do the work of the Teacher also.

13. Boy or girl?
Lady.

14. What do you do to relax?
At festivals I go to the Jade Lotus, or find a campfire to drink round if I'm feeling like a night off... Louis and I do a good line in finding free tea.

15. There's a person who's teasing you; what could you do?
Silence them with a look.

16. Let’s say you have a person who you really care about but she/he doesn’t know about your feelings. How do you tell her/him?
I... don't know *giggle* I'd probably get someone to tell them for me.

17. What do you regret most in life?
Regret is a strange word... There are many things I wish were different, but there was not much I could do about them, so I can't regret them, I suppose I regret never telling Olrich what he meant to me, although I think he knew I respected him.

18. Do you like your maker?
Well of course! Look around you, what's not to like?!

19. Do you dream?
Sometimes. I dream about the past and the future... sometimes I dream about sitting in a field all alone in the sunlight, I like that best.

20. What's your favourite colour?
Orange. Oh, and green and gold, of course.

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:12:04 GMT

"Eat drink and be merry - for tomorrow we... diet?"

Day one of diet today, went fine.
Missing cola and the associated caffine. Might have to invest in some diet drink to prop me up.

I'm always astonished at how much more aware of the smell of food I am when on a diet. On any given normal day I'd never smell crisps/sweets/bread/sandwiches, but when on a diet I can smell them from across the room. It's strange.

My big fear at present is gaming sessions. It was hard enough when I gave up take-out for lent and had to sullenly stuff myself with non take-out during games while everyone else had chinese and pizza, but I imagine game sessions where I can't have any sort of greasy nerd-food will be really hard.

I apologise now if I'm snappy at people while gaming :D

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 23:40:11 GMT

Today I didn't have many spoons, and wasted some of said spoons on getting up early and forgetting there are two six o'clocks in the day and having a total panic attack that I'd slept through the day and ohgod.

So, with what few spoons I had drastically reduced, my day has been one of quiet anger. I have no idea why I was unable to be my usual patient, helpful self today, but I couldn't.

Drive, smoke, bed.

...also, stop sneezing.

Sat, 02 May 2009 04:50:47 GMT

So, yesterday (I think, my sleepcycle is so out of wack that I've lost track of the days) I stayed up all night then went to mayday. I then came home and slept 11am, till about 9pm. So, then I got up and I've been up since then, it's now nearly 6am Saturday. I should be going on the adventure, but I might end up just sleeping and then having a shower and gaming.

MayDay was awesome fun by the way, food and singing and sunrise, what more could you want? :D

Sunday I'm off to Warwick for Player event, I suppose I should tell soemone in my group IC that I'm going, just so they can stress out at me :D It should be a laugh.

Oh yeah, I also have new nail varnish - dayglow orange, a very pale sparkly green/blue, and a white. they're pretty cool.

Oh yeah, and must upload pictures to facebook from mayday.

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 23:37:27 GMT

Today has been a day of crushing futility.

I spent all day trying to fix my PC. I started by googling for the drivers for my soundcard. The entire first page of hits were people saying "Ohh, it's so hard to find the drivers for this" I found many possible drivers, none of them are the right drivers. Some of them might be the right drivers, but they are corrupted files. arse.

Fast forward about five hours and I'm about ready to either cry, or smash my computer into tiny, edible chunks. I give up.

I go to Vampire LARP.

You can't hit anything.
There's lots of stuff written into the background to encourage conflict, but it vanishes the minute everyone goes IC.
I say IC. It's that mish-mash of IC/OC where everyone thinks it's ok the comment OC on things they're saying IC... or indeed, what other people are saying IC by butting into their conversations to say it.

I can understand that sort of laid-back style of LARP where it's not entirely serious or IC, but I'm not sure it's for me. It's a bit jarring to be dropped OC by constant comments.

I'd be interested to see if I can get myself involved in more plot, I think I'll go back. Partly because I want to see what the plot is like when you're not scratching round the edges and partly to see how the inter-personal roleplay works out (as one of the few attractive, apparently not psycho women in the room I had at least one man interested!) Which in itself is interesting - vampires don't really do love...
Hmmm, it has my interest a bit. I'll probably go back.

Also, just as a sidenote - Donner Kebab flavour pot noodle. That's gotta taste of AIDS. The Bad AIDS.

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 03:08:24 GMT

Countdown to Maelstrom!

So, I have many things still to make :S
The list:

*Finish Jacket
*Trousers to go with jacket
*Green evening gown
*Red day outfit: Coat, Skirt
*Wedding dress for another player

It's a lot to do in six days, but I reckon I can manage. The Jacket is done as of this evening, and the green gown in getting there - underskirt is made, lining for the bodice is cut out and the boning tape is sewn in place, just need to cut out the silk for the bodice and overskirt and sew it all together, and attach ribbon.

Then on with everything else :S

I shall try to update here to keep myself enthused and also as a break from sewing!

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 19:01:49 GMT

Well, as some of you might know, and some of you won't, I have not had a great week.

It started several weeks ago when I cracked my rib. Don't ask, I was being manly (read: Silly)

Anyway, knowing doctors basically do sod all for cracked ribs, I just sucked it down and took painkillers. I figured strong ones were ok since it hurt a lot.

Well, as it turns out, Codiene is addictive.

Yeah, I did already know this, but it's not something you think about much when you're in pain.

Luckily (I guess) I recognise the onset of addiction, and spotted it. Just... those random pains and headaches that crop up if you've forgotten to take the pills. the dulling of the pain, but not removal... ramping the dose to get the same effect...

As I said, I spotted it, and have stopped taking them. It's hell, just so you know.

I feel sick and dizzy, itchy, anxious. But mostly, it's painful. Paracetamol does nothing, it doesn't even take the edge off. Alcohol just makes me feel sick and cigarettes just remind me of what I'm not taking.

I'm doing ok though, better than I was. Today it's not so bad, and as ever I can distract myself with people. Well, when I can bring myself to leave the house I can. the only thing more scary than being stuck in on my own is going out. Thanks SAD, I love you.

It's not often I feel scared or small, or fragile. It's not often I hesitate before doing things. It's not often.

Today I felt faint and nearly cracked my head open on a chest of drawers, but managed to catch myself. I'm scared now because I have to go out to a meeting and have to shower before I go. I should be ok, logically I know I'm not feeling dizzy or sick right now... but what if it comes back?

Long story short - it's getting better already. I'm doing better already.

It's still scary though.

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 03:32:28 GMT

Sometimes, just sometimes.... I find myself re-assessing how I feel about someone.

I have a friend, someone I used to count as a good friend. Someone similar to me, someone practical, smart, a bib dodgy round th edges... but then you slowly realise they're not what you thought they were.

No lies per-say. Just half-truths.

I find myself setting my face to impassive, my comments are bland and inoffensive. I know what I'm doing; I'm not giving him anything.

I know why, but I'm not going to give details because too many of my F-list are involved in this one. It's not for the reasons everyone thinks, it's for other things. Less palateable things.

I'm wearing my armour, I'm not showing my real side.

I don't trust him anymore. I don't want to give him anything.

I'm sad that this has happened.

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 01:42:04 GMT

An update, beacuse I haven't in a while.

Like I said, it's been a while.

I think our last enstallment had our hero laying in a small puddle of her own failure, unable to keep her eyes open.

I'm glad to say that things are looking up. Some of those things are even my eyes, which saw the other day returning birds. Birds! Returning! It's almost spring! Pathetic I know, but every year I sit in my hole and look up, waiting for the birds to come back, to say it's almost spring.

Spring means sun, and sun means my SAD might actually go the FUCK away.

So this is a hopeful post. A post in which I write down and remember everything good that's happened since the last time I posted, just to remind myself that this is the heavy slog, but soon I'll be back at the top of the hill again. In the sunshine.

So, what have I done recently to make me feel proud? Happy?

I suppose I'll start where I ended last time - The Adventure. I got it written with help from the wonderful Robbie and Owen, and reffed it with Owen. It was the Pre-Banquet Bash and as such has to be many things:

Fun, Silly, "Like adventuring used to be in the good old days", high-level, accessible to non-TTers.

So, a tall order right? Well, it seemed to go well, the characters and monsters really enjoyed themselves and so I was happy. I think I got it right.

The banquet itself was good fun, if a little disheartening for my ego. I, like most other humans on the planet, do like a compliment. Just one. Any at all? Oh ok, so you're here to say I look ok, but Freya looks amazing! Gee, thanks. I'll go shoot myself. Ahem. Nah, it was fun and after an initial "Oh god I'm vile I want to shoot myself" I was eventually cheered up by the ever-lovely Jules. So, I call it a success.

Things ticked on for a while, and my energy levels have picked up. I went to Ikea, and cracked a rib in the process (It's ok, I'm well hard me. Also painkillers are my friend.) Then I started work on a new dress. It's going well. On hold until my cold cleers up, but still, going well.

I was set back over the last week by emergence of cold, but I have _made_ myself do things still. Friday we went to see Watchmen, I took the initiative and booked tickets, and felt like a proper mother :D (It was awesome, by the way) and even though I was drugged up to my eyeballs with cold remedy, I really did enjoy going somewhere and doing something with a bunch of friends.

Saturday I woke up groggy as all hell, eyes all puffy from three hours sleep, but got up and damn well went to the adventure... where I had a wonderful time! I think Mr. Thorley summed it up well: "You're like, a real hardcore person. Sod the weather, sod the sleep, sod the damn cold; you got up and came along, and frankly, you look better for it. It's about the fun. We're having the fun, we win."

After the adventure was home, and time for D&D all night! A great session of lots of funny fun times. Sure, I was tired, but I hopped myself up on the coffee and enjoyed it.

In conclusion then, I think I found my brain. I think I found my determination. I think I found my will to live.

I can feel the ANGER, which I always get as I start to perk up out of SAD, but it'll pass in a few weeks. Until then, expect ANGRY MAN Helly. I forecast aggression and snarls until my hormones balance out. After that, expect plain sailing, maybe even some happy.

So on the whole, things are looking up. I am looking up, and I am seeing the sun more often than not; I'm seeing birds coming home, I'm seeing buds on the trees.
The world is waking up, and you know what? I am too.

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 13:43:26 GMT

I hate SAD.

Sunday, I couldn't stay awake. As in, literally. You know that groggy feeling you get when you're really _really_ tired and literally can't keep your eyes open? Yeah, that. Thing is though, I'd had a night's sleep. I'd had 15 _hours_ sleep. I couldn't stay awake through our gaming session and kept dipping in and out as energy came and went. I then went home and, you guessed it, slept.

Yesderday was slightly better, I could at least stay awake, and made it to the interactive where I had some fun playing a crazy mage. During the day I made some headway on costume, but again the exhaustion is just below the surface. My back aches, my muscles are all chainmail-sore (you know, sore like you've been in chain for three days) and my hands are weak, numb and shaky.

Then, last night, I suddenly went ice cold. As in, shivering and teeth chattering while indoors. I wrapped a blanket around myself but it didn't help. It was like my body literally had no reserves of heat to warm me up. Luckily, being at number 10, Wol was on hand to provide tea, and Robbie was on hand to say silly things and make me laugh. I just laughed too much... and kept on laughing until I was insensible and my eyes were streaming with tears. I have no idea. I eventually calmed down.

Today I've had a full night (and half the days) sleep, but I am still knackered. Sore, achey, numb and shaky. Could happily sleep till May. Won't though, as I have costume to make, a dress to alter and an adventure to write for Saturday.

Here's hoping I can STAY AWAKE and not fuck up and run off in a fit of depression.

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 02:25:23 GMT

Meme thingy, stolen from Olwen.
I have no idea why that bit is in bold, it just is!
Tag: Anyone who wants to play.
Warning: Under cut there is a bit of angst and me being depressive.

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:
1.I wish we could just make up. I wish.
2. What you did was really fucking low. How dare you. Two-faced bitch.
3. Sometimes, I'd really like to talk about normal things. In fact, most of the time.
4. I don't find you attractive.
5. Grow some damn fucking balls. Please. Don't be another failure of a person.
6. No, I am not alright. I AM NOT ALRIGHT. I AM DEFECTIVE. Stop saying I'm not. Stop saying I'm awesome. I am demonstrably broken and a failure in some massive important areas.I will never be as good as I would like.
7. How the hell do you do it? I mean... what the fuck?! Why do people run back to you for more pain?
8. Sometimes I just want to smash your face in. How can you make me feel so bad, even though I've done nothing other than be myself?!
9. You ruined my life. I can never have what I want, because of you.
10. In a heartbeat, my dear. Even though it would ruin us both.

NINE things about yourself:
1. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.
2. I am most happy when I'm making costumes.
3. I am a romantic. A frustrated one, but one none the less.
4. I had a sister and a brother who both died.
5. I really am that socially confident, I am in general happy and calm around people, it's being alone and having nothing to do that gets to me.
6. My mother has told me she hates me, and meant it.
7. I enjoy hard graft.
8. I really love animals, and miss my pets.
9. My ambition is to have lots of pets, and have a farm where I can feed my chickens in the morning, go for long walks with all my dogs in the afternoons, and come home to an open fire.

EIGHT steps to win your heart:
1. Firstly, you're going to have to say something, because I am that oblivious.
2. Talk to me, conversations about anything interesting will always work.
3. Take me by the hand, and lead me. I will follow, but I will never have the confidence to lead the way.
4. Be romantic. Don't let me kill the mood by making stupid jokes. It's just my defences going up.
5. Be there.
6. Touch my hand; a hug, a kiss. A shoulder.
7. Be serious. I don't do casual.
8. Be Mr. Darcy :D

Your top SEVEN bands/solo artists (for the last couple of months):
1. Tanglefoot
2. Bon Iver
3. Eurythmics
4. Seth Lakeman
5. Ryan Adams (One specific song)
6. Manics Street Preachers
7. VNV Nation

SIX things you do before you fall asleep:
1. Listen to music
2. Put on lots of layers of pyjamas
3. Have a wash
4. Brush my teeth and hair
5. Read
6. Turn the light off

FIVE people who mean a lot at the moment (no order):
1. Sol, wherever you are.
2. Freya
3. Robbie
4. Ias
5. Robbie (My brother)

FOUR things you see right now:
1. Jayne action figure
2. My Tailor's dummy and assorted items on it
3. A feather from my chicken
4. A card with two kittens snuggling up in front of a fire.

THREE songs that you listen to often:
1. 'Re: Stacks' - Bon Iver
2. ‘Desire' - Ryan Adams
3. ‘Kingdom' - VNV Nation

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. Have kids.
2. Write a book.

ONE confession:
1. I am depressed. It can't be helped. It will pass, but until then - yes, I do spend a lot of time thinking of ways to kill myself.

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 18:26:03 GMT

Odd day.

Today I've had the creeping fear all day. didn't want to go places on my own. Didn't want to leave the house. I had to, because we had a letter that needed posting, and Freya wasn't going to get up in time to come with me (or indeed, come with me if I asked lol) and Edain was ill, so I ended up biting the bullet and going by myself.

I got the letter posted, and bought fabric I needed. I then rewarded myself with BSG series two on DVD :)

After much wibbling, I've decided to try going to Full Collapse. I have nothing to wear.

Well, I do have things to wear; my nice clothes. wide-legged trousers, a victorian-style high-collar blouse and a waistcoat.

Sadly, this is a metal night, so I'm going to look totally out of place. Have decided to say "fuck it" and scrape my hair back and go as a lesbian.

I hope I don't end up curling into a small ball and not going. :S