Day6

Despite being tired as all hell last night I failed to sleep well. Stress and anxiety about various things kept me awake and when I did sleep I had horrible dreams which woke me up leading back to not being able to sleep. Fail.

Getting really anxious now about finding a job, it's been going on for a while now and I hate having nothing to do and no money. Truth be told I'm not eating properly because stress is giving me bad indigestion, I'm not sleeping well and my concentration is about zero due to constantly being jittery. I can medicate with alcohol, fags and friends (seriously, being in a social situaton or just talking to people online calms me right down) but it's only temporary fixes.

I need to sort my life out, I'm just not sure what I'm doing wrong!

Maybe I just need to keep slogging on applying for jobs, but every week that passes I get more scared that I'm not going to find anything because I don't have relevant experience. I hope the job market picks up soon :S

So all in all, today is a bad day. Hands shaking, I'm hot then cold, chest pain followed by sick-feeling, head swimming a bit. Oh god I feel like I'm dying.

Last night I caught myself halfway through making a plan for how to kill myself and make sure my parents didn't find out what a useless person I am. I stopped as soon as I realised what I was thinking (My brain whirls too fast for me to keep track sometimes) I also thought about self-harm yesterday for the first time in a few years. It's the sense of unreality that brings it out I think. Either insomnia leading to me slowing down too much, or stress leading to my brain working too fast - I'm out of tempo with the world, need something to anchor me. Pain anchors me. Oh god, no, it doesn't really help, it's just a gateway onto the next plane of unreality. once you start cutting and stuff you've pulled a barrier down between yourself and the rest of the world. It's fragile, like cling-film and you can interact with the other side, but you're not there. You're stuck in here. Alone.

I'm just having a bad day. One bad day, maybe two. It was after midnight when it all started, so it is only one bad day.

Brain going too fast, thoughts gone before I can make sense of them, can't type fast enough to convey the thoughts I can interpret. It's like catching all the grains of sand in a sandstorm.

Will feel better later, I hope.

Need to act out somehow, express how my mind is falling apart through some physical action. Maybe I'll go run into the middle of nowhere and scream, maybe go kick the sea until I'm soaking and cold.

Oh god I can't just sit here and calmly apply for job I want to cry.

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Edit for sanity: After going to visit a crazy monument and the social wonders of Dre and Ias I feel more human. Now I shall put in my revelation.

Startling revelation for the day:

Who let the dogs out?
The Police. On the fucking motorway. That's who.