Wah wah wah, I feel bollocks, wah wah.

Now that's over with, I thought I'd post some pictures of nice clothes and waffle on about clothing styles and designers I like. It cheers me up.

( Clothing and cut - What I like and why. )

Yeah, it's half five in the morning and I've just driven to Sunderland and back. It was pretty neat, I'd forgotten how much I love randomly driving while listening to loud music and smoking. It gives me time to unwind, to think.

Physically, I'm doing pretty well at the moment, I'm certainly healthier than I have been for a while, I'm eating better (although not perfect :P) My skin, hair and nails are all good at the moment, so I'm looking pretty good.

I think, though, that I've been so busy doing things that I haven't stopped to think. I have this strange nervous energy, and as I sit here, at half five in the morning, finally alone for once, I can't help but fidget; messing with my hair, tapping my feet. I can't stay still.

I guess I'm doing a good job of treating the symptoms - SAD leaves me dog tired and achy all the time, so I'm getting plenty of hot showers and getting outdoors for walks. Pills help, and the other pills stop the stomach problems. My head is racing though, and I know the stomach problems would go away if only I could calm down for more than a few minutes at a time.

I'm just not sure what the cause is. Maybe things are just weighing on me, maybe SAD has found a new way to fuck me up. I feel kind of emotionally disconnected. I feel upset, like I want to cry, but I can't. I almost cried the other day, talking about break ups and the like, explaining that odd feeling of suddenly having to define yourself by yourself alone, and not by a relationship or another person. I'm pretty self-contained, confident, I don't need another person to define myself by but the memory of what it's like to allow another person into your life, to build something around them (even though it's kinda more risky than relying on yourself) that hope, only to watch it fall apart... I was surprised how raw that emotion felt. I suppose the crux of the matter is, I almost cried in front of people, and that's just a terrible thought.

Crying is not attractive, it's red-eyed and snotty, it's not controlled. I hate crying in front of people, I like to do it in the privacy of my room, away from possible intrusion. I guess I feel like I needed to cry there and then, but I bottled it up, and now it's not coming out as tears, but as nervousness, agitation. I guess I just hate having to admit that sometimes I need a hug, and someone to sit there and cheer me up even when I'm a disgusting mess of tears and snot.

Bleh. That all got a bit emo, but I suppose it is the early hours of the morning, and this is LJ.

I should end with something positive, so here goes: I found my green scarf yesterday, I like it a lot, and now I've dyed my hair brown again I can wear it without looking like an evil Christmas goblin. It is very soft, and warm.

Well, this evening has taken a turn for the surreal.

So far, we know how we're going to die. It involves the phrase "'Sup ma' niggers!" and NWA inexplicably in our living room. It is a violent, bloody end.

Black-face club has moved out of the living room and onto the stage (but only when all the doors to the venue are closed...)

Other than that, well, some shit has gone down, but it seems to be ok. I'm feeling pretty zen at the moment, so concentrating on cheering up friends.

I got up again today and kicked the world in the face, it felt pretty good. I'm feeling pretty positive, even if it's quite tiring to do!

Go cry in the rain, emo girl :P

I've had a crap couple of days. I keep finding myself wandering about with no clue what I'm doing or where I'm going, feeling a bit low and a bit lost. I'm guessing the tooth infection isn't helping, or the fact yesterday was so mixed up I forgot to take my meds (and never once even thought I might have forgotten, even with the chest pain coming back).

Today I got up and shuffled about a bit, and then sank down into another day of feeling rubbish, until I stopped. I stood up, shook my head and took my pills. Fuck it. I am a stubborn, contrary cow and for once in my life this is going to be a good thing. I refuse to feel shite.

The problem I have is that when I get depressed it brings out my feminine side. It makes me feel gentle, vulnerable and meek. I was to be soft, and caring, quiet and graceful. These things don't help when what you need to do is grab your depression by the face and kick it in the balls.

So you know what? Fuck the damn dress, I can be pretty some other day, right now it's all jackboots and jeans. It's about tidying the FUCK out of this room, ramming the hoover round like I don't have neighbours while punching the air in time with some obnoxious rock. It's about sucking down on a cigarette while kicking a football round the yard, red-faced from the cold and not caring about bloody moisturiser for five fucking minutes.

It's about chowing down on a big lump of MEAT while lamenting the fact that you couldn't cook it on a real FIRE. It's about going to Tesco and only buying BEER and CIGARETTES. (It's Saturday, what else could a boy need?!)

Most of all, it's about getting to the end of the day, laying in bed and gently brushing my lips across the soft, smooth back of my hand and know that despite all the bullshit, the kicks and the manly grunts, I'm still just as gentle and feminine as I was when I got up this morning and wanted nothing more than a good cry.

Day 30 (plus a few)

ok, so, I didn't manage to update for the last few days in November due to being at a player event and then being sick/having event drop.

So... player event! Was awesome fun :D

There was much emo, much mirth, much planning and some tears. I started the event in a state of near-panic, twitching and trying not to scream. By the end she was a little calmer, and making eyes at certain men ;)

Some highlights:
*Baking with Caterina, and being her kitchen fairy, it is oddly comforting to do something so mundane while discussing the future of our nations.
*Thaniki and the Sky Pony - a highlight as ever! the lovely parting gift she gave Gaelle had me grinning all the rest of the evening.
*Orianna and Alfas, the old married couple we all wish to be :D
*Kass, oh Kass. What more can I say?!

Startling revelation for the month:
SAD makes everything hard. It's hard to get up, it's hard to go out... it's hard to find the will to keep on living - but my friends keep me going, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Day 27

I'll keep it short and sweet. I'm off to a player event so I can emo and mope about certain dead soldiers, my impending DOOM in fidelia and(if I somehow survive that by a miracle) my impending DOOM via many more messy methods.


Should be a lot of fun!

If you're going, I'll see you there, if you aren't, I'll see you on the other side!

Startling revelation for the day:
Even an old-timer like me sometimes gets nervous about LARP! :S

Day 26

Today I have been linked to a couple of cool things :D

Firstly, this article about Freenet, it's pretty awesome. I never even knew about the "deep" web, but I'm very interested in finding out.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2009/nov/26/dark-side-internet-freenet <-- link to article

http://freenetproject.org/ <--- link to the website where you download the program. It's also worth a read as it seems very well written and reasonable. These people really thought about what they were doing and why they were doing it.


On an artfag note, I also found this picture (SFW, although a little disturbing):
http://ninjabug.org/images/posty/2009-09-18/angercake.jpg

I believe it is a cake, but due to the angle I can't help but think it would make an awesome light switch. The tongue would be the actual button, I'd seriously love to have such light switches in my house. (Of course, I'd never sleep again!)


My day today has been pretty crappy, I woke up with a terrible "hangover2 which seemed dreadfully unfair as I hadn't been drinking! Stupid plague has chosen to infect me again, although now it has boiled down to simple swollen glands and a headache which I can nuke with painkillers pretty well.
Played Exalted tonight, and it was surprisingly fun, although it went on a bit later than I would have liked - got to get up and drive places tomorrow! Ah well, it'll be fine :P

Got player event on Saturday, driving down to Oxford tomorrow via York, so should be fun! Not sure if I'll have access to the tubes while down there, but I will have my phone!

Should probably head to bed - got to get up tomorrow and pack/iron kit! Oh lordy, I am so disorganised.

Startling revelation for the day:
Last night I slept in pyjamas, slippers, a hat and gloves - and tonight I shall do the same! Stupid cold weather >.

Day 25

Ok, today I had no idea what to write about so asked on #Maelfroth, because that's always a sensible place to ask for advice!

Jenny/Scar pointed me at Wingfic.
Here's a link ---> http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=179712&page=2

Ok, I read a bit of the thread about what wing fic is and honestly, I had to stop reading because I was laughing so hard.
Seriously What the fuck?? Ok, so fic based around one half of a fan pairing sprouting wings and then the other comforting them? What the HELL?! And as if that wasn't enough it apparently started out as a fic between Elijah Wood and Dominic Monaghan (note: not Frodo/Merry, but the RL people - I wasn't even aware there was an RL actors in LOTR fandom!)

It's just so.... oh god, so stupid! I don't really get slashfic and fanfic in general anyway, it's all kinda stupid and a bit embarrassing, but why this trope? Why?!

Why wings?! What the hell.

I wouldn't mind so much if it was actually slashfic, that stuff is like a car crash - can't turn away, but apparently it's mostly just angsty comforting. How dull.

Well, my days of not taking anyone seriously are certainly coming to a middle.

Startling revelation for the day:
Is it possible to make a dress with stained glass-a-like panels in it? I shall find out...

Day 24.

Ok, I promised to write about something today to kind of make up for failing to post on Sunday. I have considered writing several things, some art-faggy stuff, some LARP-theory stuff and then I was surfing SomethingAwful's "Most bachelor thing you've done" thread and was reminded of a summer a couple of years back.

My brother's best friend Chris, Chris' brother Rob and their sister Becky are like our adopted family. We've known eachother forever. A couple of summers ago their parents went on holiday for two months and left them with the house. Becky moved out and my brother and I promptly moved in.

The house was AWESOME.

-We all had cars, so the first thing we did was take apart two of the cars and leave oily car parts and disassembled bits all over the driveway/garage. We cordoned off a part of the entrance hall and covered it in bin-liners so we could drag parts in so chavs wouldn't nick them. When we had nothing better to do, we'd be working on the cars.

-The kitchen soon descended into hell. At first I tried to clean it up but soon got sick of coming home from work to a total mess and told the guys they had to clean it. Their response was to move into the garage and use the BBQ. We ate off the BBQ for the remaining time. We ate like kings.

-When not working, we'd start the day with a beer and it'd get messy from there. One day we ran out of loo roll and only noticed because Chris was on the loo. We drunkenly stumbled to the local shop and bought a bottle of vodka and some loo roll, then shambled back. Instead of passing the loo roll through the door to Chris we decided to stand under the window of the second-story toilet and try to throw rolls through the window. This eventually worked, but the roll hit a bunch of bottles which fell over and smashed a mirror.

-We put the mirror back together with bathroom sealant and insta-gasket stuff, we were pretty proud.

-We'd have 48-hour WoW sessions. We'd raid and stuff in shifts - taking a couple hours out to sleep. When it was your turn to sleep you set up a couple of macros and set your character to follow someone else. The other person would then just take on your keyboard and mash your macro buttons, it was quite efficient.

-It was about this time I started my shameful habit of mine-sweeping. I often go to bed without finishing a drink - cans of coke, bottles of beer etc - so I took to just carrying on where I'd finished the night before. Eventually I moved on to just drinking whatever bottles and stuff were laying about my computer/room... I then moved on to just drinking from whatever bottles and cans were laying about the house. I saved loads of cash by drinking everyone else's leftover "undrinkable" beer. This is a shameful habit, but I must admit I love a good-morning tepid half-drunk beer.

-One of the things we also did was set up some beers to brew, in the living room. We'd often sit and watch the beer brewing because there was nothing on Tv and we were bored of gaming. Eventually we rigged up an awesome set of flood lights so we could work on the cars through the night. the neighbours complained, so we went back to watching the beer brew.

-About two days before the parents were due to come back we decided we should tidy up. We did awesome man-tidying. This involved copious numbers of black bags (and a trip to a landfill site), a pressure washer for the garden/garage, running the dish-washer non-stop for nearly a day, using a blow torch to carbonize the crap on the BBQ grill and then chipping it off. Yeah, the place looked awesome when we were done.

-While living there I only did laundry twice - in order to have clean clothes for Maelstrom. Yeah, we were so slobby and gross I figured I should tidy up in order to go sit in a muddy field. I used to steal shirts from work so I had clean clothing to go to work in.


Have to say, while it was funny for two months, I think I'd kill myself if I lived like that full time, or if I had to interact with people other than my slobby brethren.

So yeah, laugh or be disgusted, that was my vile, nerdy summer of WoW and BBQ steak.

Day 23

Ok, I admit it, yesterday I failed to update! I was really tired after our Rogue Trader game and completely forgot.

I shall make up for it tomorrow, when I will sit down and find something to write about that is more interesting than my day.

For now though, I'll write about my day, because I don't currently have enough brain to write anything more!

Well, Ias and I ventured forth today, to see what we could see. We started by heading down to the river to look at the flood damage form the big flood in August, and to see if the flood last week added to it. As it turns out, the area has been fenced off and has "keep out" signs up, so we climbed over the barbed wire and went in anyway. The canyon the flood has carved through the field is pretty impressive, and the recent flood has added a few more features to it, we took a few pictures then left again before we got spotted and told off.

We then had a wander up a few hills, deciding that our walk along the relatively flat riverside was not energetic enough, and took in the views across Durham from a different angle. We felt rather heroic standing on a wind-swept hill.

After that we spodded into town and down past the colleges to the riverside and found a secret hideout! No really, it's an old bunker or something that some students have carpeted and put a table and chairs in. It's pretty small, but there were candles and a copy of the student newspaper. In my excitement I managed to leave my phone there, so we had to go back later and find it again so I could retrieve my phone. I'm a spacker.

We made some plans to hunt down some old maps of the city so we can figure out where the old buildings are - the central part of Durham, round the castle, is full of old disused buildings with the modern used buildings put on top - anyone with a map and a decent crow-bar can get into the awesome catacombs and stuff under the castle and the cathedral, and we have enough time on our hands to do so! A true adventure might be had :)

I guess my day has been relatively boring, more updates tomorrow!

Startling revelation for the day:
"Boo your journal is so boring I fell asleep so hard I woke myself up again."
-Alex (who is a git)