Day 8

Last night I went with the Durham gang to see fireworks :D Sadly, I could not see the fireworks, but they sounded awesome ^^

We then went to Mary's bar to have a few drinks. It was a good night. I knew it was going to be a good night from the moment I got there because I was hyper and bouncy even before I had a drink.

A fantastic time was had, many drinks (oh god student cocktails...) including a supercharged shandy - Smirnoff Ice, an extra shot of vodka, topped up to a pint with Fosters lager! sounds gross, doesn't taste much better, I can assure you.

Later we tromped from Mary's to the club we always end up in because everywhere else shuts at midnight. Sadly, most people were rubbish and went home at this point :D We stayed and had a drink, but by that time I was losing feeling in my face and we decided to head home.

This morning was officially cancelled due to bad head, and I've not been to weapons practise because my feet are still very sore and covered in blisters from last Thursday/aggravated by adventure yesterday.

Jem and Andy are coming round in a bit and we're going to actually play Rogue Trader! Woooo!!!

Really looking forward to it :D I'll let you know how it goes.

Startling revelation for the day:
In high heels, even scrubbing the bath is glamorous.

Day 7

Today we had an adventure!
It was awesome!

I monstered and variously got to play a beat-up peasant, a cynical healer, a dog (with keys!), a beat up peasant again, a soldier and a toff (who got totally blown up).

Our adventure might have been influenced by the date :D

Now, rather tired and warm-faced from a day outside in the cold winds.

Later, off out again for fireworks :D

Today has been a better day, feeling much calmer today.

Startling revelation:
It only takes one enthusiastic person to make an adventure fun for everyone.

Day6

Despite being tired as all hell last night I failed to sleep well. Stress and anxiety about various things kept me awake and when I did sleep I had horrible dreams which woke me up leading back to not being able to sleep. Fail.

Getting really anxious now about finding a job, it's been going on for a while now and I hate having nothing to do and no money. Truth be told I'm not eating properly because stress is giving me bad indigestion, I'm not sleeping well and my concentration is about zero due to constantly being jittery. I can medicate with alcohol, fags and friends (seriously, being in a social situaton or just talking to people online calms me right down) but it's only temporary fixes.

I need to sort my life out, I'm just not sure what I'm doing wrong!

Maybe I just need to keep slogging on applying for jobs, but every week that passes I get more scared that I'm not going to find anything because I don't have relevant experience. I hope the job market picks up soon :S

So all in all, today is a bad day. Hands shaking, I'm hot then cold, chest pain followed by sick-feeling, head swimming a bit. Oh god I feel like I'm dying.

Last night I caught myself halfway through making a plan for how to kill myself and make sure my parents didn't find out what a useless person I am. I stopped as soon as I realised what I was thinking (My brain whirls too fast for me to keep track sometimes) I also thought about self-harm yesterday for the first time in a few years. It's the sense of unreality that brings it out I think. Either insomnia leading to me slowing down too much, or stress leading to my brain working too fast - I'm out of tempo with the world, need something to anchor me. Pain anchors me. Oh god, no, it doesn't really help, it's just a gateway onto the next plane of unreality. once you start cutting and stuff you've pulled a barrier down between yourself and the rest of the world. It's fragile, like cling-film and you can interact with the other side, but you're not there. You're stuck in here. Alone.

I'm just having a bad day. One bad day, maybe two. It was after midnight when it all started, so it is only one bad day.

Brain going too fast, thoughts gone before I can make sense of them, can't type fast enough to convey the thoughts I can interpret. It's like catching all the grains of sand in a sandstorm.

Will feel better later, I hope.

Need to act out somehow, express how my mind is falling apart through some physical action. Maybe I'll go run into the middle of nowhere and scream, maybe go kick the sea until I'm soaking and cold.

Oh god I can't just sit here and calmly apply for job I want to cry.

--------------------------------

Edit for sanity: After going to visit a crazy monument and the social wonders of Dre and Ias I feel more human. Now I shall put in my revelation.

Startling revelation for the day:

Who let the dogs out?
The Police. On the fucking motorway. That's who.

Day 5

Wooo! Bonfire night!!!

The lovely wol had a bonfire party at her house tonight - there was cake and fireworks!

I got to do my bit as fire safety person, and light most of the fireworks and pretend towards some semblence of "health and safety". lol, it was a lie, we had no safety or health!

Things are good, apart from sudden onset of crashing horribly with tiredness - had a week's worth of late nights and early mornings so I'm probably due a few days off!

Everyone is mocking me for texting a guy. I feel I should mention this because it happened, but I am not going to say anything more. I shall simply punch you in the arm and run off giggling. Because I can. Hehehehehehehehehehe.

Ahem.

Blah, I'd think of more but I'm crashing hard.

Startling revelation for the day:
Even a social whore like me needs time alone occasionally.

Day...whatever, I forget. The 4th.

I was up rather later than intended last night, hurrah for msn :P

Today the day started by being ANGRY on livejournal about things that really don't matter. I should try not to care so much about stupid drama.

Later Freya and I went round to Ias' house and we took my b0rked computer to fiddle and see if we could get my hard drive to partition and install ubuntu properly. Long story short, it was totally b0rked and the file structure is fucked. Luckily, Ias had a random hard drive lying about so we stuck that in and hey presto! Working computer! Ias and I are computer-heroes. We in no way dropped a bunch of screws a whole load of times, blinded ourselves by turning torches on while looking directly at them nor were we too lazy to find a screw-driver and made do with a pen-knife and my nails. No sir. No way.

Now I just have to work out how to get it to dual-boot so I can has windows for gaming! :D My computer-knowledge skill is going up, I can has training time.

Also, we've worked out what we're going to play if we ever do Serenity.

Travelling spares-and-repairs in the style of orks.
"you got that in the wrong port mate!"
"S'ok, it's only one off, it's close enough...."

"Ooooh, not enough wires mate, it'll never work!"

That sort of thing.

Now I'm home and tired as all hell, should away to bed soon enough.

Startling revelation for the day:
You can now buy "back to the nineties" compilations. I have one. It's awesome.

Day three

This morning was less cold - mostly because I didn't get out of bed till I wanted to. I wonder if adults can get away with the trick of pulling your clothes under your duvet for ten minutes so they're warm when you put the on? I shall experiment.

Stole Freya's laptop and uploaded photos from the Pirate bar crawl (Feel free to tag them - I did not have the time) and the photos from Halloween, which were significantly less, so I had time to tag and caption them :D

Had lazy Tesco sushi for lunch and have chinese buns for supper (both savoury and sweet!) which I got in Newcastle yesterday.

Am now drinking hot chocolate, which sadly is making my throat and chest twinge a little. I'm going to have to seriously think about doing something like going to the doctors. It's been two weeks now of near-constant chest and throat pain when I eat anyhting that isn't either really bland or sushi, or drink anything that isn't water or sugar-free stuff, although generous applications of alcohol seem to help! I think TBH it's probably stress at being unemployed rather than anyhting real, it was nearly completely absent while I was in the stress-free environment of StHelen's.

Zoe made a fine point yesterday - startling revelations can be about almost anyhting really, so I shoud be able to manage a month of them.

Right, shower time then off to B&Q with Wol and Ias and later the Science Site with Freya :D

Startling revelation:
People often smell better than they think they do, or else don't smell as bad as they think they do.
(This fact totally unconnected to anything)

So.
Some people are doing this thing where they update thier blog every day in November.
I totally missed day one, so have failed already - but that's never stopped me doing things in the past.

So....my day....

Wel'p, it started earlier than I'd have liked when my alarm woke me up. The cold creep of an early morning reminded me why central heating is awesome and I should get some.
I went to a meeting and then took the long way home in the car and god fuck, was the day beautiful at that point. The sun was shining, it was warm and I was speeding along; fag in one hand, steering wheel in the other, enjoying the radio. It's these little snatches of joy - the half hour of sun, the warm feeling of waking up under blankets - that keep me going through winter. I fucking hate winter, there is nothing good about it being dark and cold all the time. Winter makes me ill.

On a more positive-positive note (rather than a positive-negative as above) I had a wonderful Halloween this year. Went down to StHelen's to see the lovely Laura and Coops, to partake in some table top and "whatever I can find in my bag" costuming for Halloween. Got to meet the lovely Dave and Emily, and their adorable daughter (She's cute and blonde, so I can forgive her the waking me up crying!) Also got to see Alex, who was up from the wilds for some much-needed human contact (huur). Was good to chat on ^.^ Have had smile on face ever since ^.^

Startling revelation for today (and yesterday, since I failed)
1)I get Seasonal Affective Disorder.
2)I'm actually human under the armour.

(God, by day 28 I'm gonna be running low on startling revelations....)

I am having a medicinal pint.

It will calm me and ready me for social.

It is only 3 months out of date.

(It has no bits in it, unlike the year-out-of-date pint I poured before it.)

The question is, is the current rush of calm a result of beer froth or neurotoxins from the mouldy pint...?



Ias says: "P.S. Goo."

 Firstly, I'd just like to say how nice it is to have an "up" key again. Mine broke so using the up key on my dad's keyboard is a novelty!

Secondly, hm. I have itchy feet again. I'm kinda restless, not in a wanting to move way, but in that I feel I've got boring again. 

I caught a glance in the mirror the other day - gray top, gray trousers, gray trainers and brown hair. OH MY GOD - BORING!!

Thing is, I'm not entirely sure what I want to do about it. My task for the year was to stop biting my nails - I've managed it. Now... not sure what to do next. 

I'm sort of casting about for something to be enthused about again, and all I seem to hit on is things I used to be into and think "Eh..." about now. I think a few nights out will do wonders for me, but some style advice would be great.

Anyone have any advice on style?

heh.

Hello! Just a short random piece of fic I wrote to get back into DUTT. This is Antonia, my current character. I was just trying to work out where her head is at for the start of the new term.

I think it reads ok even if you know nothing about the TT system/stateof play, but if anyone wants anyhting explaining, so ask!

( A Conversation with an object. )